50% Mommyhood.

Today I'm writing in Green, to honor my baby boy Jaxon, because that's his favorite color! My heartstrings were tugged at this morning, which is why I decided to write this post today. I hope that this post brings a sense of belonging, and community, to those who are going through, or have gone through what is essentially the most heartbreaking feeling I've ever experienced - being away from Jaxon 50% of the time.

Since January 2016, his father and I have been in the middle of getting custody straightened out. It's been the longest almost year and a half of my life. I have Faith that everything is going to work out the way it "should". But for now...I only see Jaxon per our schedule.

What makes this situation even more difficult is that I am a full-time working mommy. I have to be at work 40 hours a week, which means even on the weekdays that I get Jaxon overnight, I see him at the very, very most - 3 hours per night. That doesn't involve playing, relaxing and spending quality time together - that involves hurrying home from daycare/work; making dinner, giving him a bath, and putting him in bed by 830pm at the latest in order to do it all over again the next night that I see him.

Days that make this situation harder, are days like this morning. I was not with him Thursday-Sunday; then I finally get him back on Monday and get him that night and Tuesday night, then he's back with his dad again from tonight through Saturday afternoon. So essentially I got him 2 days within 10, because of the way the schedule fell. (I get him half the time this month like always- but unfortunately this is the way the schedule panned out this time.)

I can feel it and see it that Jaxon feels this pain too...being away from his mommy. This morning I dropped him at daycare, and I was doing my normal routine but today I told him daddy would get him from daycare later, and mommy would see him in a few days. He understands but the fact that he JUST got back with me and has to leave me again, makes him sad too. He usually is okay with me leaving daycare, but today he said "mommy" a few extra times, watched me walk out the door, and had that sad look in his eyes.

Every time I have to leave him, no matter the circumstance, my heart breaks. Have you ever felt like your heart literally hurts, and you feel the pain? That's how I feel. Normally I distract myself, think of something else, call someone, listen to music, do SOMETHING to where it doesn't hurt so bad and I can just not think about it. Well, today I tried, but I wasn't so successful. I had a crying breakdown on my way to work because I miss my baby so much. This pain, nobody should have to feel. It's the worst pain I've ever felt, to be without my child.

I'm starting to understand things in life more. Learning about Christianity and my Faith, I'm starting to TOTALLY understand why God wants you to be pure until you're married. Bringing a child into this world between two people is such a precious, sacred thing in life. What I am going through right now could've and would've been prevented if I would've lived according to God's word. Yes, yes..I know.. I would never have had Jaxon if I did that. I have this beyond amazing blessing because of my actions. However, I get it! I understand why it's so important to be married, to have a marriage covenant to God with your spouse. Nothing is perfect in this world, but being madly in love with your spouse, bringing a child into this world, living by God's word, staying married no matter what it takes (yes, there are extremes like Adultry, etc - but that's not what I'm referring to..this is a generalization); is what makes situations like MINE not SO prone to happen.

I'm learning and living day by day, I'm getting through this pain every day because I have to. I don't have a choice other than to stay strong for Jaxon. There are so many easier routes to go, than the strength I've chosen to have and conquer...but one day Jaxon will understand. He will know how much I love and adore him and was strong and stable for him.

If anyone is going through this and needs to talk, I can't promise you I will have your answer, but at least I can be someone you can relate to.